look, i know it’s hard, but this is how it’s going to have to be from now on. you have to take it one day at a time. no thinking about the future, or the past, or about the passage of time. you just have to keep it all in a day, and one day at a time.
you’re a loser. that’s it. we’re all losers. we’re all going to die, and everything besides is just survival. survival is coming to work every morning and doing as good a job as you can do, so that you can continue coming to work every morning and not dying. survival is saying goodbye to the past and letting the past splinter off into its own respective directions without obsessively checking up on it, or else the possibility will kill you. you just have to take it one day at a time, work with what the day gives you, rather than wondering what it could give.
we are all going to die. we are all going to die unfulfilled, in a perpetual state of longing for some symbol. so we beat on, boats against the current. the best we can do is sit down every now and then and count our blessings, the meagre scraps that the universe metes out to us, and that we all mete out to each other every day. small things wriggling on the hook, just struggling with the hook.
and so i’m not alone forever. d has messaged me saying he misses me, j has thought about me as she messaged me an anecdote from her life, j continues to wish only the very best for me, ym still keeps me updated on her life. all these people, wishing still to involve me in their lives, even briefly, even just a thought.
there is enough money to buy coffee, and there is enough paper, ink, time and my own intelligence and sheer will to write.
and there are the children, always there will be children. every day they allow me to enter at the edges of their mysterious, holy lives, and that is a blessing enough. to be with beings so unguilty, to be with beings so close to the present. to even get a glimpse of, to even be allowed to contemplate, the continuous divine nonsense that goes on in their heads: to be so close to creation. when all the time you think of death, when everyone around you is talking only of death and oblivion. to be so close with beings of pure life, creation and presence, this is a blessing enough. to be able to be one of the ones who recognize god at all, this is blessing enough.
so untangle yourself from the cat’s cradle of intersecting possibilities that you’ve created for yourself and embrace the simple: one day at a time. this is what saved–however briefly–this is what saved dfw, towering giant that he was, and he was more intelligent than you, which means more obsessive and lonelier and struggling with a cat’s cradle more complex than yours. this is what saved him, though it was brief: but brief though it was, so brief all our lives are, and at least to just have a bit more time before any final decisions. a bit more time, time, so much time, just to sit and listen to the rattlings of creation, and to drink coffee with steamed milk on cool days, and to write & write & write & read also. but all as long as you take it one day at a time.
don’t question what any of it means. because why should you want more than what is given to you? the meaning of the gift is the gift itself. there you go. try not to have too much fun.